Anything Goes
by Mesalline
Summary: Jack decides things need to change around Torchwood...Starting with the computers. A selcetion of ficletts i've come up with. Please R&R Rated for swearing.
1. Switch

_A/N: A selction of ficletts i've come up with. Me and my friend, Khaiyrah co-wrote this a while back, but nothing came of the idea. So i revamped it and posted it. Please R&R. _

Owen sighed and ruffled his hair before donning a leather jacket and heading wearily out of his front door into the pouring rain.

_It was going to be another long day_, he thought glumly. _Long and dull and filled with bloody paper work._

His car clicked happily in welcome as he hit the alarm button on his keys.

_At least someone's happy today, _he found himself thinking, _It's all right for you, car. All you have to do is run to Torchwood and back, while I have to sit in a dead end job doing paper work all sodding day hoping for a Weevil alert or Aliens to take over New Port- hang on-_ he stopped himself suddenly, starring stupidly at the car, hand hovering above the handle. _Since when have I started talking to my car? This job must be driving me insane._ And with that thought still firmly in his mind he made a mental note to ask Jack for a pay rise.

0o0o0o0o0oo0o0o0o0o0o

Jack Harkness looked up from his desk as he heard the hub doors roll open below him. Owen sauntered in, looking morbid and grumpy.

_No change the__re then,_ Jack thought. But even Owens grumpy and unpleasant attitude couldn't dampen his spirits today- Oh no. Things were going to change drastically at Torchwood. Starting from…Now.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

For the second time that morning—in roughly the space of, oh say, fifteen minutes, Owen found himself starring stupidly at something.

Only this time, it wasn't his car that Owen found himself starring stupidly at. It was his computer. Only…it wasn't his computer. Just a big, blank space on his desk that Owen had never thought existed. His desk seemed a whole lot bigger.

The first thing he found himself thinking was- _Does this mean we don't have to do paper work?_

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Toshiko Sato was a middle age, Japanese woman, who loved computers. She usually woke up thinking up what sort of tasks she'd have to manage that day at work and what cables she'd have to fix after Owen and Gwen had finished their daily baseball game.

Only today, something didn't fit. She woke up, made her Coffee, sat down at her breakfast table, and was half way through her cornflakes when a sudden feeling of complete loss hit her. She felt…well, empty.

She sighed and threw the remaining cornflakes in the bin- completely ignoring the Green council recycling bin sitting starring accusingly at her on her kitchen work top. Toshiko had never been one for recycling. It wasn't surprising really for a woman who had access to all the government's private records.

Toshiko bolted out of the front door, dreading what she'd find when she got to work.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

For the second time that morning, Jack looked up as the hub doors rolled open. A sly grin formed on his face.

_Oh…This is gonna be fun. _

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Toshiko stopped dead when she saw her desk.

_I knew it,_ she thought as her stomach rolled over.

_I knew something was wrong. Captain bloody Jack sodding Harkness when I get my hand__s on him-_

"Toshiko!" Owen flounced up to her, a stupid grin plastered all over his face. He looked like all his Christmases had come at once.

"Guess what!? Our computers have gone! We don't have to do paper work!" Owen punched the air in celebration and hugged her. For a moment Toshiko forgot about her missing computer.

"I was going to ask Jack for a pay rise today, 'cause of all the paper work we've been doing, working like bloody slaves we have lately. I don't even think Ianto goes home- but I don't like to think too much about that. Anyway-" he hastily changed the subject. "I think I'll let Jack off on the pay rise," he babbled.

A cough came from behind them and the both turned round, still embraced in each others arms.

"Hate to break it up," said Jack, and grinned as the both hastily broke apart- Toshiko bowing her head slightly so her hair fell down and covered her blushing cheeks.

"But I want you all in the board room, pronto. Things are gonna change around here." Jack looked extremely smug with himself as he waltzed off in a ridiculous new walk.

Owen and Tosh simultaneously gave each other dubious and exasperated looks.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

The Torchwood team were all gathered in the board room, pronto- like Jack had demanded. All bar Gwen, who had just fallen through the hub doors, drenched, and swearing loudly at an inside out umbrella. She threw it on her desk in blind anger, and made her way up to the board room. Half way up the stairs she stopped, and did a double take back to her desk. The others watched from the board room as she stared stupidly at the blank space on her desk.

"Ha!" Owen whispered to Toshiko. "I'm not the only one who looked like a prat!"

Toshiko giggled as confusion replaced the anger on Gwen's features.

Finally Gwen left her computer station, thinking that it was all a rather bad dream, and once she reached the board room she'd wake up in bed with Rhy's.

Gwen was disappointed when the "It's all a dream" scenario didn't work. She sat down at her chair in the board room and stared at Jack.

"Some of you may have noticed a few changes in furniture this morning-" Owen snorted. "But things are going to change around here…due to allot of technical reasons." Jack carried on as though he'd never heard Owens continuous snorts of laughter throughout his speech.

Toshiko stared angrily at Jack. "And what are you saying? We've had no breeches in security-"

Jack rolled his eyes. "Oh no. Only- a dead colleague managed to hack into our systems and lock us in. And tea-boy here kept his cyber girlfriend hidden in our basement!" shouted Jack angrily.

Owen whistled. _Lucky tea boy wasn't here to hear that particular out burst,_ he thought.

"So I've gone for something a little more…up market."

Jack lifted a white box from the pile of five that sat by his chair. It had a picture of a half eaten apple painted neatly on the front.

Toshiko's eyes widened. "No…"

"Yes," Jack grinned in satisfaction and pulled out a sleek white oval laptop, with splashes of pink colour on the front.

"We're switching to Macintosh! You each have your own personal laptop."

He handed each member of the team a white box as he spoke. Toshiko literally snatched hers out of Jacks hands and tore opened the box. Hers was blue, as was Owens and Gwen's. Toshiko stared admiringly at it.

"It's…wow Jack!" She'd already opened the lid and was currently running her fingers over the keys in awe.

Gwen, however, was staring at her computer, and then Jacks in confusion.

"How come yours is pink?" she asked.

Jack shrugged. "Seemed like a nice idea at the time. I like pink."

"Oh," she said.

Owen meanwhile, had now figured out how to open the lid, and had placed his on the table. He pulled out his gun and took aim, squinting at it.

"OWEN!" Jack yelled. "What the hell are you doing!?"

Owen looked up at his boss and shrugged. "It's alien," he said, and pulled the trigger.

Owen lowered his gun and smiled in satisfaction at the shattered laptop.

Jack sighed. "That's gonna cost me another £600."

The team turned round as the door opened to reveal Ianto, carrying four cups of Coffee. Gwen, Owen and Toshiko swarmed around him, and the Coffee tray was wiped clean in seconds, leaving one single mug. Ianto made his way over to Jack and handed him the mug. Jack gave him a box in return.

"What's this?" he asked.

"Open it and see." Said Jack; grinning mischievously.

Ianto stared in confusion at the Blue oval laptop in his hands. He smiled faintly as he realised what it was.

"Very good, sir." He said, and then frowned, glancing at Jacks laptop, and then back at his. Jack look worried.

"What's the matter?" he asked.

Ianto frowned. "I want a pink one sir!" he huffed.

"Actually, Changed my mind," said Owen suddenly. "I still want that pay rise, Jack."


	2. Coffee for Tea

_Thanks to all my wonderfull reviewers! _

Anything Goes—Coffee for Tea.

"Ianto! Coffee magic- please?" Jack put his hands together in mock prayer and looked at him with puppy dog eyes. Ianto smirked. With his Cyber girlfriend in the basement, he thought it was about time he could relax and have a bit of fun.

"Of course, sir." He nodded and made his way to the kitchen. Half of his mind was still with Lisa in the basement, and the other half was coming up with a plan to get Jack back for barely recognizing his existence—apart from when he wanted Coffee of course.

Ianto quickly unplugged the Coffee machine and opened the kitchen window, through which he un mercilessly disposed of the Coffee machine. It fell to the floor with a satisfyingly loud clunk.

Ianto wiped his hands off it and put the kettle on.

_Jack had his fun with the computers,_ he thought whilst taking out four mugs from the cupboard.

_Now it's my turn. _

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Jack looked up from his desk as Ianto knocked on the glass door.

"Come in," he said grinning as Ianto walked in, Coffee tray under his arm and a single mug off Coffee in his hand. Or, what Jack assumed was Coffee.

"Ianto, you're a star!" he said, gratefully taking the mug out of the younger mans hand.

"So you say, _Sir._" He added slyly.

Jack took a swig of the 'Coffee' and frowned.

"Ianto-" he looked up, unsure whether to question the unusual tasting Coffee. He didn't want to offend Ianto.

"Yes, sir?" Ianto replied, the faintest hint of a smile twitching on the corners of his mouth.

Jack shook his head. "Never mind."

He took another gulp of the 'Coffee.'

"Sod this," he said pulling a face. "Ianto what the hell is this?" he gestured to the cup in his hand and looked at it in disgust.

"Earl Grey, Sir." Said Ianto as Jack coughed and spat the tea all over his new suit.

"Take a week off."


	3. Driving Lessons

_A/N: wrote this because i have my first driving lesson this tuesday, and i'm soooooo nervous. But my lesson can't get much worse than Jacks...Can it? _

_Anything Goes—Driving Lessons_

_Ianto decides Jack needs lessons in Driving safely. _

"Jack slow down!" Ianto yelled and clung onto the dash board for dear life. His knuckles turned white as Jack swung the SUV round the corner. The SUV spun a full 360 degrees before he braked and reversed into a parking space, crashing into the back of a swanky looking BMW in the process. Ianto groaned in embarrassment as several passers by frowned at the blaring car alarm.

"What?" Jack asked as he turned around to come face to face with an annoyed looking Ianto.

"You're going to have to pay for that!" Ianto shouted angrily.

Jack merely shrugged. "Nu-uh. Correction, the _Government_ will pay for it. We're Torchwood."

Ianto rolled his eyes in exasperation and sighed.

"Did you ever take driving lessons?" Ianto asked, dreading the answer.

"Nope," Jack replied smugly. "I can't half drive though," he said patting the steering wheel.

Ianto had turned a faint shade of green. "You've never…never taken your test?" he asked numbly.

Jack shook his head and grinned.

"Why? How on earth did you get yourself a liscence?"

A sly smile crept over Jacks face. "We're Torchwood, we have access to every single private and classified Government and Police records. It's not hard to forge a very realistic looking driving liscence and certificate." Jack looked immensely proud of himself.

"Jack you can't just use 'we're Torchwood' as an answer for every single question- nor for every single problem life throws at you!"

"Can too!" said Jack haughtily.

"I just have-did!" he said, gesturing towards his fake badge on the window screen.

Ianto sighed. "You're taking your test," he said firmly, ignoring Jacks splutters of protest.

"I'll teach you everything you need to know. Starting with the basics. Then I'll teach you your theory- you've got to pass a theory test too, as well as a hazard perception- something which you've proved to be terrible at already. And then you need to complete a practical test. _But don't you dare try and flirt with the examiner!" _he said over Jacks stutters and splutters of protest.

"What?" asked Ianto, a thought had suddenly struck him.

"You're not scared of failing, are you?" he asked.

Jack shrugged. Ianto fought back a laugh. His Captain looked extremely childish. "I dunno," he mumbled.

Ianto grinned.

"We'd better get going then, hadn't we?"

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

After Jack had dismissed Gwen, Toshiko and Owen early, Ianto had driven Jack down to the beach, in Ianto's very humble Vauxhall Corsa.

Ianto pulled up in a quiet corner and instructed Jack to swap sides.

Jack fastened the seat belt and frowned at the cars interiors.

"What's the matter?" asked Ianto. "Not posh enough for you?"

Jack shrugged. "I just thought after the wages I pay you, you might have gone for something a bit more…up market." He turned his nose up at the dusty dash board and steering wheel.

This time it was Ianto's turn to shrug. "I like to blend in," he said.

"And besides, it's a good job, isn't it? I wouldn't want to be teaching you in a Mini Cooper Convertible."

Jack looked offended. "I just thought, with Gwen and her Saab, Owen and his flash BMW Sports, you might have gone for something a bit more… sassy."

Ianto quirked an eye brow. "Sassy?" he repeated dubiously.

"Maybe not," said Jack, who quickly ducked to avoid a pen flung in his direction.

Ianto shrugged. "I like to spend my money on other things, sir." He said.

Jack raised an eyebrow. "What, suits?"

Jack snorted in disbelief as Ianto turned a pale shade of red.

"First things first," said Ianto, hastily changing the subject.

"You need to know what peddles what. Three peddles-" he gestured to the peddles sitting in a row under Jacks feet.

"First one, Clutch. Second one Break. Third one Accelerator. Got it? Good." He added as Jack nodded.

"You only use your right foot for the Clutch and Accelerator. Use your other foot for the break only."

Jack tried to stay focused, he really did, but when Ianto started talking jargon about how the engine worked and gears… he'd had enough.

"How about some Coffee?" he said suddenly.

"Not now sir," he replied, cuffing Jack around his ears.

"Ow!" Jack moaned. "What the frell was that for?"

"Since when did you say _frell_?" asked Ianto incredulously.

Jack mumbled something incoherent.

"What was that?" Ianto was enjoying every moment of humiliating his boss.

"Okay! So I like to watch Farscape! Big deal!" Jack yelled and folded his arms in a sulky manner.

"_Right_, put your foot down on the accelerator, _slowly!_" he stressed the last word and gripped the sides of his seat.

He didn't like the grin that had just formed in his Captain's face.

Jack floored the accelerator.

"_Jack_!" Ianto screamed and braced himself as the car jerked and stopped suddenly.

Jack frowned. "What?"

Ianto sighed and got out the car, slamming the door in anger. Another slam told him Jack had followed him. He'd not gone more than a few steps before he stopped and looked down at his feet, which were now sinking slowly into the sand. Looking behind him Ianto saw that Jack and the car were in the same situation.

Ianto would have laughed at the look of horror on Jack's face and his military coat fanned out behind him, was slowly but surely sinking too, if they had been in a less dire situation.

"I don't wanna have to come back from the dead and dig my way out of sinking sand!" whined Jack, failing his arms.

"Stay still!" hissed Ianto.

Jacks lips trembled as he eyed the gloopy sinking sand.

"Things have gone completely tits-up haven't they?" he asked.

"Uh-huh."


	4. The Highway Code

_A/N: Thank you so much to all my reviewers! _

_Anything Goes- The Highway Code_

Jack looked up as something fell onto his desk. He picked up the thin, yellow, slightly intimidating book and eyed it in distaste. The words, "_The Highway Code_" were printed in block yellow capitals across a black back ground. The rest of the book was also yellow, covered in odd symbols that he barely recognised. "_Essential for all drivers_," were also printed in slightly smaller, italic, and less intimidating letters. But it didn't make Jack feel any happier.

"The Highway Code," said Ianto smugly.

Jack groaned. '_Maybe I shouldn't have driven Ianto's car into sinking sand_,' he thought glumly.

Jack still cringed when he thought about _that_ particular driving lesson.

They'd had to call emergency services- Luckily Ianto had his mobile with him. However, when the helicopter had arrived to winch them both out, they got more than they bargained for.

Half of the police force- Kathy Swanston at the front of the group; had turned up to watch the show. By the time the police had arrived both Jack and Ianto were waste deep in the goddamned stuff. Jack was still complaining and failing around, and was sinking quicker than Ianto, who had given up trying to make Jack stay still. Ianto had folded his arms in annoyance and had turned a dark shade of puce as the last of his car was claimed by the beach. It disappeared with a happy "_Gloop_," accompanied by a few bubbles and the raucous laughter of the delighted police force.

And, to cap it all off, a jet black SUV had pulled up and parked right next to the police vehicles. Owen had barely managed to walk a few feet before he collapsed in fits of laughter next to Kathy.

It had taken the rescue service an hour to winch both of the humiliated men out of the sand. Then, to make the humiliation complete, they'd had to walk through the crowd of rowdy police- still covered head to foot in sand, only to meet a giggling Gwen and Toshiko.

'_This is Ianto's pay back_,' thought Jack moodily.

Owen still saw fit to burst into laughter whenever he set eyes upon either of them, whilst Gwen and Toshiko smirked.

"The highway Code," Ianto repeated, still looking smug.

"Everyone has to learn it." He said.

He opened the book at a random page and shoved the book under Jacks nose, forcing him to look at it.

"What do the yellow lines painted across the road mean?" Ianto asked, pointing to a small picture of a road.

Jack shrugged. "Maybe the road workers got bored and decided to paint lines across the road?"

Ianto sighed in exasperation. "No. They are to make you aware of your speed. Jesus, Jack it's not hard!"

Ianto flicked to another page in the book, only this time a little more forcefully.

"Here!" he said, his voice rising slightly in anger.

"What does this symbol mean?" he pointed to a brown sign with a picture of a white elephant and "Zoo" painted on it in block capitals.

"Torchwood this way?" Jack asked, smirking.

"No! It means 'Tourist Attraction!'" Ianto shouted.

Jack flung his arms up in an 'I surrender' notion and sat back in his chair, perplexed.

Ianto suddenly grabbed Jacks "DSA" Theory book and flung it at the window, much to the surprise of Owen, who'd been crouching in the corner on the other side, sniggering. Owen yelped and tumbled backwards down the flight of stairs leading towards Jacks office, much to the delight of Tosh and Gwen.

"What does this mean?" he said, raising his voice so he could be heard above the laughter and arguing below.

Jack squinted at the tiny black and white picture of a car falling into what looked- to him, like a river, outlined by a red triangle.

"Deaths by drowning probable?"

Jack winced involuntary as Ianto slammed the book down on his desk.

"No! It means- Quayside or river bank! Though I suppose you got the drowning part right," he added, as though willing himself that Jack was actually taking some of this in.

Ianto pointed this time, to a picture of two bumps outlined by a red triangle.

"What does this- actually, never mind." He said, closing the book hastily before Jack could answer.

Ianto thrust the book into Jacks hand.

"Learn it- _all of it_." He added over Jacks spluttering.

"And I'll test you on it next week. You're not driving again until you know it. I'll drive on missions."

"But-"

"No Buts! You're learning it. Like it or not."

Jack could be intimidating when he wanted to be, Ianto knew, but this was one thing he was putting his foot down on. He'd be dammed if he risked his life one more time with Jack's dangerous driving.

"No Coffee until it's done!" Added Ianto as he shut the door behind him.

Jack blanched and grabbed the book.


End file.
